How Totalitarianism saved my Club

The job of Selector is a much maligned role in any Lawn Bowls Club.

The subjective nature of player’s ability in Lawn Bowls makes the task of selecting the best team a Nightmare.

With competitive sports like Cricket, Football and tiddly winks, the task of finding the best person for the best position is eased by the obvious nature of player’s ability.

Lawn Bowlers on the large are not a skillful lot and it seems the average Lawn Bowler is destined to distract selectors from gauging the genuine ability of a team.

Anybody who considers the job of assembling a rabble of these humans into an effective force on the green has to consider their approach to the process.

There are only a few options available as far as Selector attitude.

Firstly there is the "Communication" style of being Selector.

Be warned, this approach is a large pitfall if you value your personal life.

If the rumor gets out that you are a Selector who is willing to communicate, be prepared to put up with a summer of whining, whinging and emotional blackmail.

Those midnight calls from drunken seconds who played third the week before will take their toll.

If you have experience working in a crèche or an A.D.D clinic, this might be the approach for you.

If Barak Obama was to suddenly quit politics and suddenly turn his political arts to being a Lawn Bowls selector, he would be eaten alive by the incessant pleas of crap bowlers to be promoted above their station.

A fair, transparent, compassionate philosophy to being a selector is a recipe for disaster!

Another approach is the "Emu".

Completely ignoring people is a valid option.

This requires only the simple ability to not give a rats clacker about the progress of the team, and an ability to improvise selection decisions when prompted by questions.

If you admit you’re no good and other club members know this, you should have no problems surviving a year at the job.

Sure, you'll never get the job again, but you will be well liked at the club and most likely be stuffed and used as the club mascot when needed.

The best option for the role of Selector is being the club tyrant.

If you are going to be hated, why not be hated on your own terms?

The great Historical tyrants of the last hundred years did great damage to the societies they run. Think of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Dave South etc. But a selector can exercise similar evil powers, without taking a human life.

Sure, the odd bowler will run off into the night screaming and hollering in despair that they're playing third to a first year player in the seconds.

In the end, no one is really hurt if you declare a "zero whinging" tolerance.

If you do get that late night call from an exasperated bowler, you can coolly say that the situation will be changed tomorrow, put down the phone and put them in their place by having them lead in Divvy 8.

At least they can have one night of sleep until they see the team board the next day.

Al Parks is Head Selector & Operations Manager at the City of Melbourne BC.

Would you be a selector?  Why/why not?  Are you a selector?  What have been your experiences?

Visit The BowlsWorld Forum to Comment.