Another Summer of Bowls is upon us, and another Summer of dealing with a Maelstrom of characters that will give you delight or drive you insane.

Variety is the spice of life, but a copious dose of black pepper up your nostrils is a dose worth avoiding.

Interacting with your fellow members after the winter break is a joy at first, but pitfalls will arise.

New members to the bowling fraternity will be at a loss when figuring out who is who at a bowling club.

 Here is a short guide to the types you are likely to come across at any given Bowls Club. Hopefully this will give you a clue as to who to socialize with, or who to avoid.

 Be warned, YOU are one of these people!!!

So this guide may also help you understand why you drink alone at the end of a game of pennant, despite your constant attempts to wash the nether regions and use chick magnet deodorants.

THE PANIC MERCHANT.

You are guaranteed to find a panic merchant at every Club. Their usual modus operandi is to read a snippet of a club or bowls admin memo, focus on one sentence and then proceed to yell out across the clubroom that immediate action is required.

If a memo hits the club stating that Water restrictions MAY be changed, or deadlines for any POSSIBLE changes to club uniforms are due, or a rule change MIGHT be taking place; be assured that the panic merchant will interpret the MAY, POSSIBLE and MIGHT into DEFINITELY WILL in a split second.

It will take hours of re-reading and discussion to stop the panic. BE WARNED!!

They are also adept at over fussing about any new member to the club. They will be paranoid about what hat they are wearing, that they haven't signed the visitors book within two seconds of walking in, will be scared that they haven't had ten hours coaching before they even touch a bowl and generally annoy the living crap out of any person interested in joining the club.

Unfortunately, the shooting of Panic merchants was banned in 1920.

Hopefully, with some lobbying, a cull of their numbers will be allowed under Federal Pest laws.

THE OLD SILENT PLODDER

Any club worth its salt has an old plodder.

They rarely talk and spend hours walking extremely slow around the Clubrooms.

What they do is a mystery, but be assured their work is essential.

Once in a Blue Moon they will suddenly turn in your direction and ask a very important question that you will not have the answer for. They will then get back to their business and not speak until next season.

Don't be fooled by their pace.

They are deadly bowlers and win multiple Singles Championships.

How, I hear you ask?

The vacuum of silence and long waits between bowls will slowly drive you insane, much like a Chinese water torture.

THE YOUNG SMART ARSE

This lot have multiplied since the turn of the Millennium. They have popped straight out of High School, played no other sport and wont shut up.The only way to Shut them up is to beat them at a game of Bowls.

Problem is, that they a bloody good at it.!

Your only chance to avoid them is to wait for them to start chasing the opposite sex. With some luck they will finally realize that picking up young women at your typical bowls club is like fishing in the Elwood Canal; Virtually impossible and unhealthy if you succeed.

THE RECENTLY RETIRED, WELL SPOKEN, NERVOUS GUY

These guys are at most clubs and are generally a welcome relief from the other fruit bats that hang around the club. You are likely to say a big hello to them on a Saturday Morning and always ask how they went in their game.

Sounds great so far doesn't it?

As the weeks grind on they will ask you more and more questions, divulge more and more information about themselves and before you know it, YOU'RE IT!!

By round 15 of pennant, they will follow you around the club everywhere you go. You will never get to practice alone, they will be in the change room every time you've got your pants down and finally they will be knocking at your front door at 7 a.m. to go with you to the club.

When you are invited around to his place to "double team" his bridge opponents, Martha and Judy, you know it's time to think of an escape plan!!!

THE GRUMPY FIFTY SOMETHING

These guys are a dime a dozen.

They are always at the club in some capacity, yet grumble every second they are in the Clubrooms. They will go on and on about how good things were in 1975 and will criticize anything, anybody says. Any good ideas you present to them will be swallowed up in their black hole of negativity and they will constantly gripe about women playing on Saturdays.

The only way to tolerate them is to agree with whatever they say, no matter how absurd, and add your own grumble.

Example:

GRUMPY FIFTY SOMETHING : "Those bloody women who work shouldn't be allowed in this club and those barefoot bowlers shouldn't be allowed in here"

YOU : "Too right, the only place they should be barefoot is in the kitchen, making our sandwiches".

( Warning: Make sure you give a knowing sly wink to any female member who might be in earshot)

THE RETIRED CRICKETER\FOOTBALLER

This group are the number one recruits of modern day bowls.

Ranging from thirty to forty years of age, they have slowly realized they can't compete with the young guys on the open field and have found their Nirvana at the Bowlo.

They can still go through the motions of playing sport, but also have the opportunity to drink beer before, during and after the game.

Half a dozen of these guys can turn your bar trade into a cash cow. Getting them out of the Club before 3 a.m can be a problem, but the bar trade is worth the legal complications.

THE PLEASANT OLD LADIES

These Ladies are pure Gold.

They work tirelessly for the club, love a good laugh and love to bowl. Every Club needs them. If you haven't got one at the club, be prepared for the GRUMPY FIFTY SOMETHING to complain about making Sandwiches every week.

THE GRUMPY OLD LADIES

Every now and then you will get a Grumpy old Lady at the club and they rule with an Iron Glove!

They have eyes like Hawks and can spot a misplaced doily from 200 meters.

Some will harass you straight away, others will glare, brood, plot and plan your demise. They will turn off the TV during the dying moments of a tied AFL Grand Final, shut the bar just before you can get a life saving drink and insist they pour your tea exactly the way you don't like it.

Rumor has it that they were trained during the Cold War as guards at the Berlin Wall, but were let go for being too harsh.

THE YOUNGER LADIES

Thankfully we get to see more younger women playing bowls and we are lucky to see all types joining.

SIngle, Married, Student, Working, you name it , they are joining.

Many single women have found love and happiness at the Bowling Club, those with partners get to spend a pleasant afternoon with their other halves.

Of course, on the flip side, all it takes is one RETIRED CRICKETER, GRUMPY FIFTY SOMETHING or RECENTLY RETIRED GUY to make one wrong move and you can say goodbye to a new female recruit.

Or they may just have created the next Generation of GRUMPY OLD LADIES.

Time will tell.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT PAIN IN THE ARSE

This type will have already made a complaint to some Government body about all my comments above.

These Men and Women have joined the Club to, "Get involved with the community" or "Help the club through hard times", (or some similar dribble),despite the fact you've turned over $500,000 the last financial year.

They will get stuck straight into your constitution, run for the board and talk to you like a patronizing twat.

Within seconds of becoming members they will nail a proposal for a code of conduct on the notice board, then proceed to suck the fun out of the club.

As your member numbers slowly dwindle to nothing, they will invite local artists to the club.

Eventually your top green is turned into a organic community garden and your new synthetic green is turned into a creche.            

I hope this guide helps what sort of Club you want to be in and helps you dodge the odd bullet or two.

And Always remember to ENJOY YOUR BOWLS, no matter what.

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